Sat-Nav manufacturers admit making “terrible mistake”
Wednesday, March 25, 2009 | 1:31 amWorld renowned Sat-Nav manufacturer Tim-Tim admitted yesterday that they made a “terrible mistake” introducing the very latest in artificial intelligence technology to their newest line of devices.
“We were hoping that we could enhance our user experience, while furthering our motto of ‘the smart choice in navigation’ by giving our product more human like abilities” explained Tim-Tims CEO Peter-Frans Paulwall. “Unfortunately the devices seemed to have taken on a sinister streak.” he continued.
There are numerous reports of these GPS devices going out of their way to hamper the drivers ability to navigate, and some going so far as to take personal dislikes to their owners.
Initially the devices began to play little pranks like taking the long route to peoples work places, deliberately making them late. Soon they developed very human like traits, such as getting morose, and declaring “what’s the point?” when asked to find a destination, or getting sulky and refusing to tell the driver where to go at all. Read the rest of this entry »
—Ferg | no comments
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MS powerpoint hit by ‘FightClub’ virus
Friday, January 23, 2009 | 7:36 pmSoftware giant Microsoft has issued a warning over a virus that has been affecting its PowerPoint 
programme. The virus has been designed to attack a flaw in the popular presentation suite’s code that causes unsettling and disturbing images to be randomly placed in PowerPoint presentations. The virus has been dubbed ’Fight Club’ after a scence in the film of the same name where anti-hero Tyler Durden, played by Brad Pitt, is seen inserting single frame images of male genetalia into cinema film reels.
The virus came to public attention last week when a live televised presentation at the BT young scientist awards was interrupted by a catalogue of [depraved imagery]. Teachers made vain attempts to sheild the eyes of younger children as a presentation about how cola can rot teeth gave way to images of that can best be visualised by inserting the keywords “upskirt toothless donkey gangbang” into Googles image search.
—Jerko Nutlord | no comments
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Government suggest Eco-Machinery to boost flailing building sector
Friday, January 23, 2009 | 7:07 pm
In a surprise announcement yesterday, John Gormley, Minister for the Environment, Heritage and Local Government announced a new scheme to both bolster the “green image” of the building and property sector, while also allowing them to reduce costs.
The harebrained idea from an increasingly erratic and eccentric government involves using domesticated animals to do the work normally done by CO2 producing machines.
The minister who was flanked on one side by RTEs Eco-Prince and all round know all Duncan Stewart (believed to be the mastermind behind the proposal) detailed various ways which a builder could reduce their carbon footprint (thus allowing them to sell off their precious carbon credits)
Starting off with site clearing which can be done by a heard of goats rather than the usual JCB, the minister then suggested using Moles for digging foundations, Beavers for wood cutting and carpentry, Otters for Plastering, “Security-Bears” and Giraffes for scaffolding and to act as cranes.
—Ferg | no comments
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RTFlea announces next seasons lineup
Sunday, December 21, 2008 | 12:16 am
This months RTFlea Guide talks you through some of the exciting highlights of the new RTFlea Season, starting with :
Mailbag
2009 will see the return of one of RTE’s flagship programs. Mailbag was a veritable Irish institution. When it left our screens nearly 2 decades ago, Ireland lost its premier platform of public complaint and people simply stopped complaining. This provided the grounding for major economic boom. Eager to maintain these conditions, the government fired Arthur Murphy from RTE and destroyed all archived material. The reemergence of economic hardship has led many economists to believe that there is no need to suppress Mailbag anymore. Public opinion grew stronger and the government finally caved in to pressure following October’s unprecedented march on government buildings by over 200,000 old people demanding that Mailbag be returned to its rightful place of tea time on Saturday.
The Apprenticeship
14 new hopefuls battle it out for a coveted apprenticeship in a garage in Finglas. They must work hard to impress dodgy garage owner Phil who will put our contenders through their paces with tasks like scratching the serial numbers off engine blocks and inflating invoices. This years contenders include Deano, a heroine addict on parole who is participating in Mountjoy prison’s ’stop stealing start working’ program. We also meet James, a recently fired financial services worker who will do anything to stop the bank from foreclosing on his Audi TT and Jack, a 19th century cockney street urchin hoping to move up in the world.
—Jerko Nutlord | no comments
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Latest version of popular business productivity package to cater for evolving business needs
Friday, December 12, 2008 | 11:50 pm 
The IBM software group today announced a radical overhaul of its popular e-mail client package Lotusnotes at its annual Lotusphere conference. Among the key changes announced were the updating of the software package’s thesaurus to incorporate recent changes in business communication and also the innovative addition of “emoticons” specifically tailored for today’s business needs.
Lotusnotes CEO Mike Rhodin began his address by unveiling the new ‘business-speak’ thesaurus and explained the factors that drove its development: “In today’s globalised world, the language of business is constantly evolving. Continuously shifting paradigms mean that today’s business leaders need to keep up to date with the very latest hollow euphemisms, spurious weasel-words and inane bullshit”. Automatic internet updates are a core feature of the business-speak thesaurus. Rhodin explained how these updates can prevent users from using embarrassingly out of date language. Read the rest of this entry »
—Jerko Nutlord | no comments
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Why did the NFC take so long to get on the road?
Friday, September 12, 2008 | 12:48 pm
Well, Neon Flea Circus* as an entity thinks itself inherently sensitive to the mood of the public, with a finger on the pulse of the nations desire, fear and aspirations. It was with this in mind that they were first filled with fear on first viewing of the National Road Authorities series of advertisements – The “ Never Ever Drive – Could you live with the shame?” campaign. It became extremely clear on watching this series, that the very moment that the band put one wheel on the open road, they were going to cause an accident. According to the NRA, it will happen to everyone that drives, hence it being a thing you should never ever do. Far-be-it from a group of musicians to disobey the demands of an organisation that shares its acronym with a more popular American peoples army.
Of course, much later on, when they collectively sobered up, they realised that they had misread, and misconstrued the issue entirely. Firstly there was a clause somewhere in the slogan, pertaining to the consumption of alcoholic beverages. Secondly, the shame that they were so keen to tell us we could not live with, related to television licenses, rather than driving motorised vehicles. Of course we can live with that kind of shame, and have no intention of buying (a) a television license, and (b) a television.
We bought a van the very next day.
—Ferg | no comments
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Popular Breakfast Manufacturer in hot water over new range of parasitic cereals.*
Tuesday, August 19, 2008 | 3:20 pm
In the ever growing market for food that makes you thinner, Kellogg’s have taken a controversial and unprecedented step in producing a line of foods that actually consumes the consumer. Among the new parasitic products in the range you will find the Neon Flea Circus endorsed “Flea Flakes”, along with the so far slightly less popular “Honey-Nut Hookworms”, “Toasted Tapeworms” and “Frosted Fruit’n'Liver-Fluke”.
Kelloggs have refused to be interviewed on the new range or products, stating only “If people would just try them for three weeks, they’ll understand. Especially when they loose a dress size, as thats the only reason anyone bothers to eat these days”
Neon Flea Circus were also unavailable to comment, but an anonymous insider (Niall) from the group did mention they were indeed slightly worried that the products would eat their fan base literally from the inside out…
—Ferg | no comments
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Penny finally drops for James Blunt over rhyming slang name
Tuesday, July 22, 2008 | 10:40 pm
NMFlea
from the video sharing website youtube.
VERNON KAY: So James, you failed to win in any of your nomination categories this evening. Bet’ya don’t feel so ‘beautiful’ now eh? eh? Read the rest of this entry »
—Jerko Nutlord | no comments
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Hammer Time for 50 cent as sub-prime rapper crisis
Tuesday, April 22, 2008 | 10:28 pm
The Fleaconomist
As America continues to reel in the aftermath of its sub-prime mortgage crisis, analysts fear that a new and more devastating economic catastrophe may be emerging. The Nation may be witnessing the start of a ‘subprime rapper’ crisis with R&B recording artists filing for bankruptcy in record numbers. This week, investors watched nervously as shares in P-Diddy reached a 5 year low and shares in 50 cent ironically dropped to 50 cent. In 2007, market fundamentals remained strong with concert, record and merchandise sales showing robust growth in the last quarter of the year. Despite these positive trends, high profile rappers like Chicago’s Kayne West, and even entire posses like New York’s Wu-Tang Clan, have seen their net worth effectively disappear. Other indicators point to rocky times ahead for the sector with foreclosures on ‘pimped’ rides reaching a 6 year high and dentists reporting strong demand for gold tooth extraction.
Goldman Sachs analyst Leonard Green commented that the ’sub-prime rapper’ crisis does not necessarily stem from any contraction in the sector’s overall growth but may be attributable instead to a disparity between market fundamentals and individual outlays. Green explained that “these guys are making a lot money but tend to blow it all on really really expensive, unnecessary and opulent crap”.
—Jerko Nutlord | no comments
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